The last few days have been simultaneously productive and frustratingly stagnant from a paperwork standpoint (more below) but we’ve used the time for some really important developments from Anika and from me/Nishi as parents. She has been with us for just over a week now, and she is an entirely different person than when we first met her. Each day has brought a new skill or comfort level. As frustrating as it has been to be here in Madurai for as long as we have, the consistency - of our routine, of the surroundings, of the people she sees - has been a boon. She is no longer petrified of everyone and even now extends her hand to the hotel staff that she recognizes. She regards our hotel room with less and less disdain and has started to walk around to explore the space on her own. She even put on her first swimsuit and put her feet in the pool!
But the trajectory isn’t linear. For as much progress we have made with her, we have to remind ourselves we’re still just a blip compared to the life she knew before. We fancy ourselves decent parents with a track record of success so far1 but we’ve run into so many instances where we’ve questioned whether we’re doing the right thing for this new being we are still getting to know. It has been a stark reminder of just how much learning happens in the first 18 months. It’s like we’re engaged in bilateral User Acceptance Testing2, where both sides are playing the role of system and user and testing each other. We’re making as many mistakes as we are winning decisions but there’s as much value in those mistakes (and the accidents) as the uninterrupted progress. We’re learning her while she learns us at the same time, and every interaction has been useful data that we’re furiously trying to catch up on from all the time we’ve missed and implement those changes overnight to our overall family unit and interactions. We still can’t differentiate her hunger cries from her “Oops I crapped my pants” notifications3. I also suspect that despite what we are learning now in our ‘test’ environment, we’re still going to encounter issues after we go live back in the US.
Who watches the watchmen? We continue to fight with as many people as possible, though it sometimes feels like we’ve resorted to shadow boxing because the MO at this point has been to just avoid us completely until we hound them with multiple messages and phone calls. It’s disheartening to slowly learn that the orphanage from which Anika came isn’t being totally forthcoming with us and may have ulterior motives. I don’t think those motives are nefarious so much as self-serving…or perhaps self-preserving is more accurate. The generous view is that they are genuinely worried about local authorities taking advantage of us by demanding bribes etc. The more cynical (but increasingly likely) view is that they have something set up that they don’t want us endangering or bypassing. Since the last update, we managed to get a first passport appointment and complete the police verification process required. Both, however, were rage-inducing experiences. Our orphanage/agency here insisted that only their representative, to whom we assigned Power of Attorney while we were in the US, could accompany Anika to the passport office. We argued a lot with the nonsense nature of that policy and eventually discovered that wasn’t a regulation so much as a policy instituted by the agency itself. They claim it’s because the local folks get upset or intentionally delay things when foreigners come. I eventually started yelling4 and we tried to stand our ground as they pleaded with us to “please cooperate”. We eventually acquiesced out of desperation for forward momentum. It confused the hell out of Anika as we were back at the orphanage where she grew up, with all of the people who cared for her. Thankfully5, she was screaming as she was taken away from Nishi and kept going back and forth between Nishi and her former caregivers. What a mind@#$@# that had to have been. She seemed ok after the appointment and we didn’t lose any of the connection momentum that evening. We resolved that would be the last time. [Ron Howard voice]: It was not. I’ll let Nishi take over from here:
Amma’s Corner
I’m running behind on posting this one, so I’ll save the additional updates on the passport journey for the next post. Based on some developments from the last few hours, it should be an interesting one.
No comments to the contrary from the peanut gallery please and thank you.
Apologies to everyone from my work world for not including a trigger warning on this post.
…or from her “I’m about to be sick” notifications. A funny-now-that-we’re-not-in-it example: we fed Anika a full bottle of milk before taking her on a 3 hour car ride on a winding road with hairpin turns up a mountain. We then stopped to pick up more food thinking that her crying was because she was more hungry as opposed to car sick. Yada yada yada…we will report back on whether Nishi’s leather purse and cloth organizer are saved by the Courtyard Marriott laundry staff.
My Tamil was ok at the start of the trip and has improved to “store workers surprised when I speak to the girls in English” after a few weeks of immersion, but I learned that my Tamil fully devolves when I’m angry and condescending.
I realize it’s a bit perverse, but I’m not ashamed to admit our biggest fear right now is that she wouldn’t care to leave us and would just happily return.